I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
