There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
