p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
