i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
