There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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