low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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