Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
