I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
