If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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