As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
