I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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