I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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