Moan for me like Helen Keller
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
