I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
