My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Drunk is not a location!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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