How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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