I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
