Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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