I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
