He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
