I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
