Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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