I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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