totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
