Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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