i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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