No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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