Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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