Just cropdusted the office
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
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GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
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WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Two words: nipple clamps
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