I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
