New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
