If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
