if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
