Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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