I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
it's great music for shaving your balls
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
