You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
