You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
