Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
