I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
