This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im six kinds of drunk right now
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
