I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
