Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
