hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
