i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
