My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
