you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
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On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dear god my vagina.
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