my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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