I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
