PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
