kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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