Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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