I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
