im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
