My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
