everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
