I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Girls should come with a carfax report
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
