I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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