Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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