zippers are such a cool invention
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
